Yesterday I was called upon by local authorities to stand as a witness in a criminal case of insult involving my partner who had filed charges (for about the third or fourth time) against a man who had publicly insulted her on several occasions over the last several years. To be clear, this is just one of several cases extending from a dispute wherein my partner and I refused to replace our roof even though 41 of the 42 houses in the community did so - whether they wanted to or not.
Before going into the court, I had been listening to some Eqafe interviews. One in particular is called, Using self-honesty to-hide fear-the soul of money. In bringing some of the points from this interview and others back to myself, as in looking into me to see if and where any of them applied to me, I realized that, although I had been self-honest to a level within me in terms of my responsibility in all of this, I hadn’t necessarily been the same on the without in relation to others and the workings of the system.
Specifically, in the past when I had looked into me to pinpoint my responsibility in all of this, and I mean all of it, I could (and still do) see the roles that I’ve been playing. Specifically, from the beginning, when these points began opening up, I could have prevented them to an extent. I saw this at the time and most of the times when additional points were being added onto the wave of consequence. Yet, in many cases, I did nothing to prevent them from opening up and some cases I even pushed them forward. Why? I guess because I felt that they needed to come out for me to see and live it to actually do something about it. I mean, if consequence is building up behind the gate and we’re just not getting a handle on how to deal with it, then why not just open the gate and let it out before the dam bursts? Bursting dams are the worst.
On many occasions I have asked myself, what is my responsibility in all of this and what would be best for all? I’m still not one-hundred percent clear, but that doesn’t mean I won’t keep pushing myself to experiment with it and eventually understand it. Thus, before going into court yesterday, I made a commitment to myself to only say the facts. Lots of laughs: I’ve often said that my Mandarin is quite good; however, what I didn’t say is that I was mostly referring to situational speaking, hanging out drinking beers with locals, using Chinese to explain English grammar, negotiate purchases, etc. What I definitely wasn’t referring to though was legal speak in Mandarin which is what the prosecutor and judge both used to question me. Accordingly, although I answered the questions self-honestly (from the within to the without), I still ended up answering one of the questions incorrectly, that I would have preferred to answer correctly - if I had understood the question. That being said, I’m glad I was honest.
However, when it came time for the defense’s witness to speak, I was actually surprised to hear a complete pack of lies. I found it quite interesting and curious that so much effort (and so many lies) would be put into such a small case. Even the judge explained to defendant that if he just admitted it, he would only have to pay a fine of probably less than NT5000 or less than 200 US dollars. As I watched and listened to his witness blatantly lying, the defendant lying and the lawyer coaching them, I wondered about the toll that it must be taking on all involved. I would have preferred not to be there; however, as I was there from the start, I’ll be here to the finnish.
I don’t judge any of them and certainly not myself anymore. Instead I question once more, what is my responsibility within the world system? As I’ve said before, when I look at my involvement within whatever I’m involved, there’s rarely ever been a point wherein I didn’t decide to stop the outflows or allow the consequences to flow. For example in reference to the above case, when I saw that man (the one who had insulted my partner and scared her so many times) heading in our direction, I could have moved us away, but I didn’t. Instead I said to him, happy new year. On the surface of the words, it would seem appropriate for me to say that - as the holiday season was beginning. However, when I look back at my starting point intention in that moment, I see that I knew that anything I said (from that starting point) would likely trigger a reaction. As I often say, when in doubt as to the motive, look to the outcome for clarification.
My responsibility is simply to do as best I am able in relation to what is best for all. But how do I determine what is best for all inside of a corrupted world system? For example, in listening to the witness of the accused blatantly lie to the court, I didn’t assume that she was being dishonest with herself. Rather, she was simply doing as required by the legal system to support the accused. Whereas lies and deceit are often rewarded in the world system, honesty is discouraged and sometimes even punished. What’s a person to do?
What I’ve been working with lately is letting go of the judgments of right and wrong and instead, focusing on my self-honesty from the within to the without in consideration of the environment and the outflows I intend to create. I also understand that, complete self-honesty within, doesn’t necessarily mean being completely honest in my external environment. Rather, it means being self-honest in terms of who I am from the within to the without.
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